Month: April 2020

My CATASTROPHE With Pressure

The fact that I’m feeling under pressure to write a blog post about pressure is pretty telling of this Catastrophe.  I want to write about this because I think we can all relate to the pressure we force onto ourselves and the pressure that society shoves down our throats.  Before this quarantine I realized that I was drowning in pressure, and I can only say that because now I am breathing freely and without worry.  There are many times that pressure can feel like it’s suppressing you and all of the amazing things that you’re capable of.  Looking back I realized that I was making my life harder because of factors I could not control.  Let’s elaborate shall we…

I’m the type of person to put lots of personal pressure on myself, and on top of that (although I know I shouldn’t) I let societal and peer pressure get to me as well.  Pressure hits me from all directions and for a long time I thought there would be no escape from it.  Living a life where you’re constantly straining to get by, despite the pressure that you feel, is not living at all.  It brings on unnecessary anxiety, and it will always have you feeling like you can not produce good work unless you are under pressure.

Being a black women has made me feel like pressure is just something comes with being born black and a women.  Society expects you to fail so you have to work twice as hard (pressure), you expect yourself to triumph despite all the obstacles the world puts in your way (pressure), and the people that surround you want to keep you where they want you (more and more unnecessary pressure).  Not to mention the daily negative thoughts you have about yourself and the lack of progress you’ve been making despite whatever troubling circumstances your in.  You’ve based this “lack of progress”on an imaginary timeline that has more unrealistic expectations.  These are thoughts that used to go through my head everyday.  Can you relate?

All of this forces me to carry so much tension and stress, and what seems like the only way out is to keep moving forward.  Eventually it’ll get better right? Negative, moving forward without addressing all this pressure and expectations keeps you in the vicious cycle. Which causes you to hate yourself more and more because you didn’t work well enough under pressure by your standards.  

The only way out is to quite literally to just stop.  Stop having expectations, stop giving into the pressure, and stop with the self loathing.  But I will admit that this is a beyond difficult thing to do unless you have amazing discipline or you’re literally forced to stop.  This is because life goes on whether we’re pressured or not.  It goes on and it doesn’t care how you feel.  It doesn’t care if you hate yourself because you can’t reach your unrealistic expectations… it just keeps going.  So in turn, you feel like you need to keep going.  But life has stopped for most of us because of COVID-19, and it was a blessing in disguise for me because it released me.  I’m not too ignorant to say that the virus will have the same effect on everyone.  People are dying, losing jobs and it feels like we’ll never be allowed outside again. I just hope my catastrophe was the sign you needed to break free of whatever you need to break free from. 

Please, Just Stop with the self sabotage

Mind Boggling

I know the title sounds like I’m begging you just a bit, but bitch I am!  In fact I’m more begging myself, because it would suck if I didn’t practice what I preached. You ever feel like you’re learning the same lessons over and over again?  You ever feel like bad shit just keeps happening to you? The world is against you?  Think everyone is out to get you?  Sounds like a familiar feeling to me!  I almost forgot about how everyone is to blame for your downfall except yourself!  That’s a big one!  All of these not so mind boggling questions have a common theme, and that my friend is called self-sabotage.  You are most definitely not the only person who feels this way, but somehow you have tricked your mind into thinking that.  Allow me to bring you back to your self sabotaging reality.  Some of you might not relate to all of those questions 100% word for word, but even if you feel the slightest hint of one of them, you fall into the self sabotaging category.  Welcome : )

Acknowledgment is the First Step

To me you never really know if you’re self sabotaging yourself unless someone calls you out on it, and then suddenly its like you were awakened from your self-sabotage trance out of nowhere.  Well allow me to awaken you!  However, if you feel like you’ve just been awakened and all this self-sabotage has just started in your life, I’m going to have to wake you up again to tell you that you’ve actually been doing this for a long time.  Self sabotage builds, it doesn’t just happen all at once.  You’ve been doing it for a while my love.  But the first step is acknowledgment, so I’m proud of you already.

Chile…

However, if you’ve done nothing about it because you don’t think it’s that serious then I take my admiration back.  Self-sabotaging is more serious than it sounds, no matter what part of your life it relates too.  I feel like if we think that if most of our life is going well we can push our self-sabotaging to the side because we think it doesn’t really matter.  Well chile, try again.  

Don’t you want to break the cycle of bad shit happening to you because it’s probably your fault? Or are you still in denial???  Take it from me, the universe is trying into teach you lessons that you keep ignoring.  So you’re just going to keep ending up in the same situations over and over again until you realize that it’s not just a coincidence anymore.  So how about we stop the self-sabotage and start the self-care, the self-regard, and the self-respect.  Self care is not always going to be a hot bath with some candles and blunt after a long day.  It can be exhausting, but worth it.  Although, this is only going to work if you have to believe that you’re worth it, or else all of this will go to shit.  

Pay Attention to Your Habits

This is not a “how to” stop self-sabotaging article, this is a WAKE TF UP AND START REALIZING YOU SELF- SABOTAGING TENDENCIES article.  I can’t tell you how to stop self-sabotaging and anyone else who says they can are liars.  I say this because we all self-sabotage in different ways and we all have to stop ourselves in different ways.  I’m also not here to give you an easy way out because there is no easy way out of self-sabotaging.  I’m here to be honest with you because I don’t want you to get stuck in this cycle of wondering why all this shit is happening to you.  It starts with you and it ends with you.

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April’s Intention: Acceptance

Photographer: Joelle.Alexandria
Stylist: Isiah Chan

March felt like 365 days instead of 31 and I’m happy it’s done because the amount of emotions I went through in that 31 day period were enough to last me a year.  Reassurance was a hard thing for me to accomplish in March because I refused to be okay with what was happening around me.  I was definitely one of those people who ignored what was happening with COIV-19 around the world.  I have the flight receipts to prove it.  The question is will I even be able to get on that plan? Probably not.  I didn’t want to believe all of the things people were saying about how bad things were getting until it directly effected me.  Which is predictable but disappointing because things shouldn’t have to effect you directly for you to take it seriously. That being said this months intention is…

Acceptance

This is pretty fitting because a lot of us tend to lack this.  We don’t want to accept or adjust to the times that we’re in and thats’ understandable.  I recently talked about this in my latest podcast episode titled “Adjusting and Adapting Takes Time”.  Adjusting to new environments is hard even if this new environment is our home.  It’s hard because saying in our homes longer than w’ve ever been before can get uncomfortable quickly.  But the first step is ACCEPTANCE.  Ya’ll, we need to start accepting the times that we are in and making the best out of the situation.

This can mean anything you want it to mean.  There is no wrong way to cope with what we’re going through, unless that coping mechanism includes going outside and trying to socially interact with people.  I just want you to accept the times that you are in, and this means accepting how you feel in these times.  There is not wrong or right way to feel.  Don’t feel pressure to do all of the things you never got to do before because now you have the time.  Trust me you don’t have as much time as you think you have.  Don’t get mad at yourself laying around all day when you “could have been doing something productive”.  Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you are doing the best you can for the environment that you’re in, and that environment is home.  So how much motivation could you possibly have?

Not only do we need to accept the mechanisms that we’re using to cope with the times, as I said before we need to accept our emotions.  I know for me this part is a bit more problematic.  I always think that I should be thinking in a different way than I actually am.  Not living up to the expectations of the emotions that I think I should be having is exhausting and just idiotic. I can’t tell myself to feel a certain way, I feel what I feel, and that’s it.  The same goes for you.  Feeling anxious, relieved, sad, melancholy, indifferent?  Those are your emotions.  They are aren’t right or wrong so don’t suppress these feelings, feel them.  Letting yourself feel emotions sometimes feels air is leaving your lungs, but it is more necessary than you know.  This is something that I have learned quite recently.  

So this month we need to buckle down and get in tune with ourselves, because all we have is time.  Take the time to feel whatever you’re feel and let your body and mind go through it, don’t push it away.

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